I Love Puppies, Scammers & Generally, Shit Like That

Whenever I reach what could be considered a writer’s block (which, for me, could range anywhere from substance abuse benders to having too little or too much sex), I like to read some of the old stuff I wrote and feel good about myself. Or, I just engage in utterly pointless conversations for entertainment and self-gratification. Damn, I’m witty and charming, and being good looking is just an added bonus. Below is a conversation I had four years ago via e-mail which I subsequently published into a piece.

Basically I’ve run out of things to write about.
I think my inner Buddhist is beginning to develop because nothing really grinds my shit any more. Maybe I can use this opportunity to convince my parents that I have finally seen the light and get them to buy me a ticket to Europe next summer.

Anyways, a few evenings ago, I saw some spam advertisement by an Egyptian company called “Legit Sales” (don’t be a wimp, it’s completely legit), selling puppies on various boards, so I decided to take them up on their offer and e-mailed them.
Granted, I don’t know shit about purebreds, so I asked John if purebred canines were his expertise and he replies me the next day:

From: “John Williams” <legitsales@hotmail.com>
To: Alan VH
Sent: Saturday, January 23, 2010 4:26:45 AM GMT -08:00 US/Canada Pacific
Subject: Lhasa Apso Female (5 weeks) ..$450

yes we are selling all kind of puppy you interested to buy which of the puppy do you want to buy? do reply back now so i can let you know more information and how to buy them

From: Alan VH
To: “John Williams” <legitsales@hotmail.com>
Subject: RE: Lhasa Apso Female (5 weeks) ..$450

Dear John,

I am interested in buying any of the puppies you have listed in your ad. Price is no objective as long as they taste good.
So far I have consumed seven stray dogs that have wandered into my barn, one baby German Shepherd that my neighbor Edna gave away for free, and an nine year old Doberman (which admittedly, didn’t taste so good), and I was wondering which of the puppies you have listed would provide me with the richest culinary experience when pan roasted.
Please do reply me as soon as possible, I plan to keep this as a surprise Valentine’s Day dinner for my wife…she has never had an exotic purebred before!

Regards,
Alan

From: “John Williams” <legitsales@hotmail.com>
To: Alan VH
Sent: Saturday, January 23, 2010 3:47:43 PM GMT -08:00 US/Canada Pacific
Subject: RE: Lhasa Apso Female (5 weeks) ..$450

Hello
here are the puppies we have now and the prices

Chihuahua Female (12 weeks) ..$450
Shih Tzu Female (14 Weeks)…$200
Bull Terrier Male (4 Weeks) $500
Lhasa Apso Male (11 Weeks)……$200
Lhasa Apso Female (5 weeks) ..$450
Anatolian Shepherd Female (5 Months) $400
American Eskimo Dog Female (12 Days) $300

which of this do you want

let me know so i can tell you more about them and how to buy it

From: Alan VH
To: “John Williams” <legitsales@hotmail.com>
Subject: RE: Lhasa Apso Female (5 weeks) ..$450

Dear John,

As I have mentioned, I am interested in buying whichever puppy that would provide me with the most delicate culinary experience.
I have heard that Eskimo dogs and in particular female Lhasa Apsos are rather delicate in texture, which one would you recommend for a more savory dinner?

Regards,
Alan

From: “John Williams” <legitsales@hotmail.com>
To: Alan VH
Sent: Saturday, January 23, 2010 4:43:38 PM GMT -08:00 US/Canada Pacific
Subject: RE: Chihuahua Female

Breed: …..Chihuahua

Sex: …..Female

Birthdate: ….08-15-2009 (5 weeks)

Price….$500

Shipping area: Worldwide

What’s included: Registered/registerable (AKC, NKC, etc.), Current vaccinations, Veterinarian examination, Health certificate, Health guarante

Additional information:

Can you say darling! This little aussiedoodle girl
has lots of white and blue eyes. She is very
pretty and very outgoing. She is affectionate
and pre spoiled. She loves kids, other dogs and
even the cat!

it a very nice one i can also recormed for you

do you like it?

where are you located

do you have yahoo or mes messenger to chat for easy communication

From: Alan VH
To: “John Williams” <legitsales@hotmail.com>
Subject: RE: Chihuahua Female

Dear John,

Would she taste good if I season her with summer savory, rosemary and a little paprika and bake it at 350 degrees Fahrenheit for an hour and a half?

Regards,
Alan

From: “John Williams” <legitsales@hotmail.com>
To: Alan VH
Sent: Saturday, January 23, 2010 6:28:19 PM GMT -08:00 US/Canada Pacific
Subject: RE: Chihuahua Female

yes nothing will happen to them in that season

From: Alan VH
To: “John Williams” <legitsales@hotmail.com>
Subject: RE: Chihuahua Female

Dear John,

I am confused at your reply; are you implying that if I were to prepare them with the aforementioned seasonings, the end result will be a tender, generally seasoned and hearty meal?
At any rate, I am inclined to believe that any of the these purebreds will taste better than the stray dog I had last night. I believe he strayed into my barn from Old Sam’s barn a couple miles down the road, because the taste wasn’t particularly enjoyable and everybody knows Old Sam likes to feed his dogs dried crickets and dilled marshmallows. Just last month in fact, I saw Old Sam flipping over rocks in the old meadow just outside of town hunting for crickets, and when I asked him what he was doing he offered me a sample of his home-pickled crickets. Oddly enough I took up on his offer and tried one of his pickled crickets, and half an hour later I found myself at home listening to the live version of Thank God It’s Christmas by Queen while discussing with my wife the merits of sacrificing our pet goat Steve for a better autumn harvest.

At any rate, I would like to purchase your chihuahua for $500, how would you like to receive your payment?

Regards,
Alan

From: “John Williams” <legitsales@hotmail.com>
To: Alan VH
Sent: Saturday, January 23, 2010 9:03:18 PM GMT -08:00 US/Canada Pacific
Subject: RE: Chihuahua Female

Ok if you are interested to buy the chihuahua for $500 i can ship direct to your door step through our private shiping Agent or Fedex shipping company

but am asking where are you located you never answer me why?

am from Cairo Egypt can you come over for pick up or you want me to ship to you

we need to confirm 50% upfront payment via western union money transfer ok

so if you ready to buy the chihuahua send us your full shipping details so we can proceed your order

From: Alan VH
To: “John Williams” <legitsales@hotmail.com>
Subject: RE: Chihuahua Female
Dear John,

I currently have no money, but I will be in Cairo from the 28th to the 5th, do you accept erotic services as a form of payment?
I am experienced in the field and offer a variety of services, including massages with happy endings.
Please let me know.

Regards,
Alan

From: “John Williams” <legitsales@hotmail.com>
To: Alan VH
Sent: Saturday, January 23, 2010 10:26:12 PM GMT -08:00 US/Canada Pacific
Subject: RE: Chihuahua Female

???

You’re probably thinking I have waaaaay too much time on my hands,
and you’re probably right.

 

-vH