How to Write Like Me

You must stay drunk on
writing so reality cannot
destroy you.

-Ray Bradbury
(1920-2012)

 

Now that you know the kinds of things I would say if I were a syntactically-retarded robot, I suppose it’s only fair that I don’t deprive you of the knowledge of how to say it like I would.
First things first, I sure hope you don’t want to write like me. Because I write some pretty terrible things. But in case you did and totally not because I have a narcissistic personality, I’ve put together this handy step-by-step guide.

Step 1: Get Faded. I call this the emoting phase. This usually involves being, or being on the way to being, under the influence. Sometimes being really tired helps. But getting drunk and/or/otherwise high usually just puts me to sleep when I’m tired. Hence why I never get any actual writing done (seriously–if I wasn’t such a tired jackass all the time I would have written a book by now).
Typically, the writing that gets done in this stage consists of making mental notes that I will forget before I get in front of a keyboard, taking photos of things intoxicated people will take, or become antisocial by jotting down notes on my phone.
The reason I call this the ’emoting phase’ is because it gets me to stop resisting and loosen up a bit. To speak some of the things that’s on mind and to not be so ignorant towards the things in my life that would otherwise be pretty boring.

Step 2: Get Cross-Faded. I call this the the defensive phase. This step involves going beyond a little bit under the influence. Just smoked a joint? Smoke another one. Just had two pints of beer? Do two shots of whiskey. Just smoked and joint and had two shots of whiskey? Here’s another three, in a short glass and neat.
Typically this is when I really start wanting to write. The ideas are coming together and I begin to smile a lot for no apparent reason, and generally become more silent than usual (which means I’m still loud and obnoxious but not so much so that you still want to punch me in the face). I generally prefer spending this portion of the process hanging out on the front porch smoking a joint or chilling with a bottle of something somewhere and not having to move.
Fun Fact #1: This is also the phase I will start giving out a lot of money to homeless people who entertain me.
The reason this is called the ‘defensive phase’ is, first and foremost, because I don’t have a better word for it and can’t be bothered to sift through thesaurus.com. But also because this is when most of my thoughts begin formulating congruently and I develop a stance on the topic(s) that I will imminently be writing about, should I make it home in front of the computer in one piece and without defecating myself.

Step 3: Find something inspiring. This is the most important phase of all. I call this the vulnerable phase. And it could be just about anything. Sometimes it’s a conversation or argument you’ve been avoiding with yourself or with those around you. Sometimes it’s something you commonly see in passing but have never had the opportunity to invest time and thought into it. Sometimes, you can put on a thought-provoking album. Sometimes, it’s just a girl that you’re really into. Whatever works for you. I know what works for me.
Typically I will actually start writing at this point, regardless of whether or not I am in front of a keyboard. The notepad on my phone will suffice. Except more often than not by that point into the night my phone is running low on batteries. That’s fine too, use that up and find yourself some paper and a pen. Just get those fucking thoughts down. At around this time, I will cut off 90% of the interactions around me or just straight up go home.
Fun Fact #2: This is also the stage I will start playing life and relationship columnist with people on my contact list, sending them completely unwarranted text messages about something that vaguely has to do with their lives but are so utterly filled with truisms that they just can’t help but reply with things such as “???” or “…” or “I’m very confused right now.” Which indicates success.
It should be pretty self explanatory why this is called the ‘vulnerable phase’. When you’re inspired and actually writing for the sake of writing (and not to be published, not for work, not to the general public, not to show anyone at all), that’s when you’re most vulnerable. I will be honest, only about 20% of the things I actually write ever end up being pitched for work, shortened into an out-of-context status update on Facebook, or end up on my blogs. I would say over half of the rest are viewed by only a select few (if I trust them enough/if they’re lucky), and another quarter of that sit on the back-burners for anywhere between a few weeks to many months, and the rest are discarded or deleted in time.
So be vulnerable. That’s when writing becomes enjoyable. That’s when things you need to get off your chest through the written word, actually get off your chest.

Step 4: (Optional) Become sober halfway through whatever you’re writing, and say “fuck it, I didn’t want to write about this anyway”, and discard it. Or publish it as it is.

I should note that steps one through three aren’t necessarily separate entities. Usually for me, the progression from step one to step two takes about fifteen minutes (because I’m an idiot). And step three can come at any given time of the evening, sometimes so much so that steps one and two can be skipped entirely. I am just that good. And no, I still don’t have a narcissistic personality. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am going to go masturbate.

 

-vH